It’s been quite an eventful month.
My boys and I are born in the same month. No, we didn’t plan it. I get this a lot, so I had to mention it. Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve written here. Ever since this month came, I’ve been taking it slow - not posting as much on social media, not glueing my eyes to the screen. Apart from work, I try to stay out.
Recently, I’ve been feeling a kind of heaviness. Weight pressing down on me, pressuring me to be more, to do more. To divide my body into several pieces just so I could get things done. It isn’t easy to shake it off. To be honest, it’s draining. I feel like a robot doing a routine.
It’s been a while since we travelled as a family (2.5 months is a long time for us) and I feel so meh. See, I don’t have the proper words to describe it.
June arrived, and it was an eye-opener. I’m not sure what my brain is going through, but in a weird way, it made me feel open - to reflect, to think (cause I don’t really take the time to stop and think). Since the 9th (my birthday), I’ve been at peace with my reality.
I’m nowhere close to financial stability, nowhere close to my life-in-the-province dreams. I work round the clock and have lost the time to write, paint, take photos, edit videos, whatever. At times, I find myself losing time for my boys - especially Yñigo just ‘cause I’m preoccupied with other stuff. I rarely get to eat at our dinner table (even when I work-at-home) because I’m glued to my phone, my laptop.
I find myself not being in the mood to see a lot of people, but I do long for my friends. I miss having conversations over wine and cigs; not caring about whether we’d have to wake up early tomorrow, or attend to any business.
I used to talk to Bobby every night. Nowadays, we don’t get ‘couple-time’ and end up sleeping.
I gotta learn how to slow things down. In a weird way, I’m going through a mind shift - where I learn to put myself first (well, attempt to).
I’m learning how to say when enough is enough. I try not to overwork myself. I spend moments in the day where I take a 10-15 minute break just to give my mind a break. On non-working weekends, even when I’m tempted to, I don’t check my emails. I used to, though. I can say I’m quite a workaholic, especially when I need to hustle, to make ends meet. Pero, alam mo, may tamang panahon para sa trabaho.
I’m pulling away from the phone. Hence, my lack of posts on social media. Don’t get me wrong though, I love creating content. But I make sure my ‘feed’, this (new and improved) website are full of things that spark joy.
I’m learning how not to be a people-pleaser. Sakit ko ‘yan eh. I don’t know how to voice out when I want (or need) to. I don’t know when to say ‘no’. However, these past few days, nagagawa ko na siya. I’m trying to be honest with myself, and to know how to be generous without compromising my sanity.
I am more patient and understanding of the people that matter most to me. I try to give my all to my family, to my friends. Pero kung ano lang kaya ko. And knowing them, they would understand my limits, and what I’m capable of giving.
I make sure to listen to my partner. A good relationship is all about communication, and being patient and accepting of the other. I can truly say that 2019 solidified my relationship with Bobby. We’ve been through a lot (sobra)… but we’ve come such a long way. We’re not even married, and yet I feel like we are going through stuff that married people go through - the good and the bad. But we make it work. We try… for as long as we have each other’s back, and we have the love, support, and resilience to keep us going.
110% for Yñigo, mah bb
When Yñigo calls my attention, I make sure to give it in full.
He just turned 4 a few days ago, and he’s more aware of the things happening around him. I can’t lie to him, nor can I pretend. He knows. He calls me out.
Yup, the #momguilt kicks in, but I don’t beat myself too much for it. I’m busy, he’s needy, ganun talaga. Though I understand the need to be more mindful of my actions, especially when I’m around him.
Basta ngayon, pagdating sa anak ko, binibigay ko ang lahat.
Baka tumatanda lang talaga ako?
I guess this happens as we turn older. We become more self-aware to what we need.
Motherhood, career and other things make me forget to put myself first.
For as long as I’m able to show myself the love I deserve - one that comes from within, things will fall into place. If I carry on with this mind shift, I can give more than what I’m capable of giving, without losing myself in the process.
Practicing self-love is a step to greater things.
So there. That concludes my entry on turning another year older. Writing this so because I don’t forget. I want something I can go to if I lose sight of this.
To both my boys who have been my cheerleaders and number 1 supporters, I love you both so much. Here’s to us, to another year of us growing old together - in love, in harmony. I will forever be the luckiest woman in the Universe to have you both.